In the movie We’re The Millers upon the Millers’ encounter with this young man, he says “that’s like how I’ve been living my whole life. I went to a tattoo artist, I was like, ” This is how I live. Can you put that on my body? And he did.”
This is all I can come up with for an analogy for a depiction of my current situation. Sometimes I try to use humor to diffuse the tension. Other times I break down until I can’t really breathe properly- or at least that was the arrainment attorney’s opinion as he excused me from pre-trial meeting the judge. He opened with “maximum sentencing for the first charge is 180 days in prison, 5 years probation and $1,000.00 Fine. In addition to that, you have to consider the second charge, which could be 90 days after the 180 are served. However… at this point I couldn’t hold back the gasp. I clasped my hand over my face as hard as I could to prevent making any whining or sobbing noises before we went live in front of the judge. I was processing the depth and damage as quickly as I could for “worst case scenario” in the five minutes I was told potential charges prior to trial. He hadn’t even gotten to the best part before I started gasping and tears streamed down my bright red cheeks uncontrollably.
“Due to the fire, there may be another charge for arson if the Fire Marshalls find evidence that it wasn’t an accident. If they charge you for it finding it was intentional or premeditated, you will be charged with Arson which is a felony. We are waiting to hear back from the investigation results to see what you’re charged with- that hearing will be later in the week or next week. Until then you can’t make bail, you are on a felony hold.” Until when? There was no definitive answer. This was already day five without a single phone call since the night I flailed around resisting arrest- and doing so more and more forcefully like a wild cornered animal the harder they tightened the cuffs on my wrists and twisted my shoulder unnaturally outward. Next I was shoved to my knees on the rocks that make that portion of my former driveway. Final twist lead my face into the gravel, pushing it deeply into the rocks as they yelled to stop fighting back in so few words.
The next moment I recoiled sideways in the back seat as my wrists felt they were going to pop my thumbs out of the joints. That’s what I get for fighting back. Although my warped and far from sober brain didn’t see it that way. I was the one being attacked and held down by two armed full grown men, in my animal brain. Never surrender. Never let them hurt you, rape you, violate you again- I’ll fight for my life. That’s basically the instinct my inebriated brain reacted upon without the frontal lobes functioning- by that i mean cognition. Awareness- informed consent, logic. All that had apparently simmered away with the ashes in what literally and figuratively appeared to be my meltdown.
I don’t want to get into the details for a lot of reasons right now. All I know is, my then boyfriend and I were drifting further apart from supporting each other the way we naturally do as stress and pressures piled on high and fast. I knew he was happy with my new job, i was too. He was so supportive and didn’t complain once when he had to drive me at 6am to Columbus. That was supposed to be a 2 day a week gig but that particular week it was every day prior to the meltdown. That meant before we found an affordable and reliable car for me, and money to purchase it, he was driving me 90 minutes each way TO and FROM work. Drop me off, pick me up. 180 min round trip TWICE a day. 6 HOURS A DAY. It had to change. And financially we had so many more pressing things it was as if there were too many priorities and not enough time to work them out.
Anyway. I lost the job when I didn’t call in to tell them I had been arrested. Then again, I wasn’t allowed to use the phone from my understanding. I didn’t make a single call for five days prior to the pre-trial hearing. The other inmates said “you’ll get out, we’re over crowded here and you never had an arrest before.”
I walked back in with my head hung low “looks like you guys are stuck with me.” And i had no idea for how long.
Today I hope my court appointed attorney responds to my request to find out some info other than the county’s website and Ohio law. I’ll still be facing up to 9 months in jail. Up to 5 years probation. Thousands in fines. And that’s just the literal facts. Then you add what the fall out of that catastrophic night’s castcade of colossal fucked up events did to everyone around it… the ripple effect is large and disturbing. I have plenty of time to think about it all, and it still doesn’t make sense when I try to play it back.
I don’t expect forgiveness- I may not have been quick to give it if i was on the other side of this story. I do expect criticism, projection, judgment, preaching, condescention, disgust and unsolicited advice as well as totally screwed up information as the family plays telephone. But at the end of the day, we all have to own up to our own actions and hold accountability. I deserve whatever the sentence is in addition to the time I have already done.
I don’t want forgiveness because I don’t even have it for myself. Not sure I ever will, either. Seems I still hate myself for some other mistakes I made when I was younger- the more people try to explain certain events leading to those mistakes weren’t in my control, the further I feel from ever really being understood. It’s okay though- there isn’t a gold star or trophy included if people pat you on the back and say they understand or they get it. They don’t know the half of it, and I’m not about to start filling people in on all their missing pieces. Sure people care. But it comes with strings and unsolicited advice attached. I’m still in a whirlwind and trying to pick up the pieces before I let everyone knock me back down with their “support”. No, you don’t know the whole story. Maybe you do care, and I appreciate that. Send the good vibes and consideration to the people who were affected by my ridiculous behavior and it’s fallout. That would be helpful.