When someone goes through a time of need, people offer to help. A lot of these people do it out of a sense of obligation, rather than from a place of sincerity. It’s a “I don’t like the way your personal issues are affecting me, so I’m going to offer to help so I don’t have to deal with this uncomfortable situation.” I am truly devastated right now. I spend half my time doing things that are obligations, in a half-droned way and spend my other half crying and sobbing. I can’t even an hour without breaking down in tears. How can anyone help me, especially when they don’t really care?

Now, my family does care, but they can’t really help either. They can give me a place to stay while my house is getting power, but I’d rather be alone. Actually, I’d rather just go back in time to Friday night and chloroform her so she can’t start a fire. I know she needs help, real help. It’s help I cannot provide. I miss her so much, and it’s only been a couple of days. I’ve forgiven her for the addiction, the mental break, and the fire. I’m just so fucking lost right now. She helped me so much in preparing for the divorce hearings, or getting my bills in order because I felt too much anxiety to look myself.

I’m beyond devastated. I can’t eat. I can only sleep with the assistance of medication. Right now, everything is reminding me of the awesome times we had, staying up and playing Donkey Kong Country on SNES, UFC on Xbox 360 and Xbox One, fixing the deck, tearing apart a motor, holding each other watching Stranger Things. Taking care of her puppy is both therapeutic and disheartening. Seeing her parents, I’m going to lose it. I have to pack up whatever of hers I can. As much as I love her, and I want everything to go back to the way it was, it can’t. We are both broken.

I’ll probably keep posting here as a journal for me to go back and visit. Maybe it’ll help someone else along the way. In the meantime, I’m going to do what I need to in order to get back into the house and not lose my sanity, if I ever had it.


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