I understand despair. I have felt it; I am feeling it. I might not understand the deepest levels of it, but I can sure understand it. I understand the feeling the world is closing in on me, slowly crushing me, squeezing the air out of my lungs, making it so much more difficult to breathe. I understand wanting to call out for help, but either being unable to do so or there isn’t anyone around to hear my pleas. I understand feeling helpless and alone.

It’s a horrific feeling that is difficult to get out from under. There’s no amount of counseling that can help. In the end, they can’t help. All they can do is either falsely reassure me, or tell me how to cope with it. Despair seems almost impossible to cope with. Don’t worry, I’m not suicidal. Drugs and alcohol don’t fix it either; they just mask the pain and prolong it for when they wear off. The feeling of being overwhelmed adds to the pressure of despair.

Just when I think I’m getting a handle on things, something comes along and kicks me square in the balls with spiked, steel-toed boots, brining me back down to the lowest of my lows. A few weeks ago, I felt at peace and calm, something I haven’t felt in many years. Today, I feel like it’s me against the world, fighting alone in a hopeless battle, a battle that doesn’t even seem to have a cause I can believe in. This is what narcissists, sociopaths, and people in power want. No, I’m not giving up, but it sure as fuck hurts. It’d be easier to give up, but that’s not in my nature.

Typically, men are less likely to show their despair and seek outside help. I am among these typical stereotypes in this regard. I am not ashamed to say I’ve broken down and sobbed, overwhelmed with despair. I have very few friends, and I do not have anyone who I can confide in with these raw feelings. My best friend, and the most significant other is currently unavailable to hold and take comfort in her embrace. This just adds to the feelings of despair, sadness, and being significantly overwhelmed.

I know I’ll get through this, but I don’t know how. It feels like someone carved out my heart and punched me right in the gut. I feel like a hollowed-out version of myself. I know there are a lot of people out there feeling the same thing, all for various reasons. If things made sense, I could more easily understand it. I can make sense of a few things causing me to feel this way, but there are some particular items that, no matter how much I try, I cannot find an answer to. In fact, people seem to try to actively prevent me from gaining understanding, maybe as a show of perceived power or something. I don’t know. All I know is that I must soldier on. I must continue to survive so I can be there for the ones that need me. I love my family, and it hurts that so many people are trying to fuck with that.