Love and Pain


How is it possible to be in this much pain? How can my chest feel so tight, and my soul feel so empty, like a bombed-out city? How can I love so much, and why does it have to hurt? I found someone so fucking incredible in so many ways, it seems impossible. She’s beautiful and intelligent. We have so many common interests and common personality features, it’s scary, in a good way.

“Life finds a way.” The Jurassic Park line and theme is both true in that life will find away to adapt and succeed and also find a way to fuck you so hard, you’ll question your will to live. My girlfriend’s grandmother got some horrible news about her health. Not everything is known yet. I understand the want/need to try to help. I also know that hopeless feeling of not being able to do shit. When my son was born, I just had to sit back and watch life possibly end. I did everything I knew how to do: research, question, pray. Being a helper personality, I want to help. I want to fix shit. There are some things no one can fix. Life has a natural cycle. Sometimes, it’s beautiful. Sometimes, it’s the cruelest motherfucker.

I want to help my girlfriend so much, it hurts. I wish I could Thanos-snap all the horrible diseases away. In the last 24 hours, I have cried more than I can recall in a short time frame. Thor: Love and Thunder was a very difficult movie to watch. The first half was exactly what I expected from the directory. The second half was brutal for me. It felt like I cried every five minutes. I’m in an emotionally-heightened state. I might be overly sensitive. When I watch a movie, I fully immerse myself into the film. If the film is stupid or completely unbelievable, I lose interest. This movie’s core theme was about love and death, more specifically, how we handle death. Do we embrace the love we have and cherish every moment, even when death comes for us, or do we succumb to the anger of losing someone before we think it’s time?

Having a child that almost died many times in the first couple of years of life, I know both. Feeling hopeless sucks. In the movie, I can understand why the main villain was so angry the gods just watched as his daughter died. It doesn’t excuse his actions. Fear, anger, and hopelessness clouds the mind. We lose our ability to think rationally. In the end, Love prevails, literally. Spoiler Alert: The villain, knowing he’s dying, but being free from the darkness that has fueled his evil deeds, is able to bring back his daughter. The daughter’s name? Love. Here, I thought the title ”Love and Thunder” was about Thor and Jane’s love. It was actually the villain’s daughter and Thor agreeing to raise her as his own. When we let go of our darkness, love can be (re)born.

The individual events in the movie was emotionally painful for me. Watching someone I love pull away because she might need to go take care of her grandmother is even more painful. I cannot be selfish, but it doesn’t make it hurt any less. I’d rather work together to figure out what we can do, but it takes two to tango. Realizing that I might be losing the most amazing love I’ve felt with the most amazing person that I’ve been getting to know for the last seven months is devastating. In the movie, Starlord tells Thor that it’s better to feel shitty about losing a love than never feeling love at all. When dealing with this type of loss, it’s easy to think he’s full of shit, but he’s right. Cherish the moment. Fully immerse yourself into the love while you can. I don’t want to be on my deathbed and regret not loving while I could. It’s easy to build up walls and keep people out. The problem with that is when we finally get to the end of our life, if we don’t spend the time loving, no one will be there to hold our hands as we pass from this life.


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