There are different types of pain: physical, emotional, and mental. I’ve never felt so much pain in my life. I cannot go into a lot of detail here because a lot of things are pending. That, in itself, is painful.
I haven’t had more than a few hours of sleep a night for a while. Last night, as soon as I laid down, my back was spasming. The last few nights, I could get the pain to stop by curling up tightly into a ball with a pillow between my legs. Last night, that didn’t work. The pain lingered all night. Every time I breathed, it hurt. My back was spasming like a demon torturing me in Hell. I couldn’t win. Eventually, I just got up.
Could I have taken something to ease the pain? Sure, if I had anything that worked. The only thing that makes a dent in it has a bunch of caffeine in it. That’s not something I want to be consuming while trying to sleep. It’s a reminder that none of my pain can be magically fixed by taking a pill. I wish it could! I’m sure there are pills out there to make me not give a fuck, but that doesn’t solve anything.
With so much going on in my life, it is difficult to keep up. Quite frankly, I cannot keep up. I’m drowning in bullshit, the wretched stench filling my lungs to the point where I can’t breathe. This physical pain is just a manifestation of my other pain. Pain, that I cannot heal. I’m watching too many people I love get hurt by fucking monsters. It tears me up inside! The only person who can really understand me is terrorized by this same pain of watching people get trampled on. She’s also one of the ones I am watching get shit on by others. She would say she’s doing the same with me. Fucking empaths….
I don’t know what to do. My will to fight is waning. More and more of me just wants to give up, metaphorically just curl up in a ball in the middle of the interstate and let fate happen. That’s not who I am, but the fight is literally killing me. I’m dead either way. I try to remain hopeful, but the feeling of hopelessness is creeping in even though I know it is not hopeless. I just don’t know how much more I can take. I try to appear strong for others, but the truth is, I’m losing this battle. Every turn, another kidney punch is delivered by the world.
I’m going to continue to fight, even if it is a losing battle. I can’t do anything but. I’m tired. I’m depressed. I’m in a dark, dark place. I might be swinging wildly in the darkness, but I don’t know what else to do. Maybe, I’ll land a haymaker and start seeing the light again…. or maybe I’ll just tire myself out. Only time will tell.