Instead of writing in stream-of-consciousness, I decided to try something different. I stared at this blank entry. Hours passed and I know it’s healthier for my mind to unscramble thoughts and feelings; writing encourages a fine-tuning process of what, why, when etc. Getting to the root of a mixed bag of feelings helps sort some of it out in my personal experience.

Usually.

This is not working for me now. There is currently a mental blocking of articulating the depth of what I feel along with the intensity, and the plethora of various emotions/thoughts. The events themselves were a tidal wave; a tsunami that came without warning, without control and with massive and immediate damage to a vast area.

This time the use of specific words are more important than the framework to fit a “storytelling narrative”. The events matter far less than the effects to the mind body and spirit they affect.

The title is an example of my meticulous choice in words, although they do not flow. Mirage, a french verb “mirer” is to look at (think mirror). Further connected to its’ roots is Latin mirari to wonder at, to admire, a miracle or marvel.

A Mirage of Meliorism

Astounding how the relationship is between the mind and concept of time.

In days of anticipation to greet you, these days felt like weeks. Envisioning our embrace, awaiting to cherish our connection once again. Enclosing my arms around you, holding you with a tight grip. Treasuring every moment we will have in this transient visit.

I could hardly breathe as the hours slowly became minutes, then seconds until I would be transported to a paradise, wrapped in your arms tightly.

The exhiliration and most profound reveries of this moment were superceded somehow. Every beautiful thought I envisioned paled in comparison to reality. Time then perhaps showed mercy on the agony of our separation; in the moment I felt you encircle me with your arms, I was intoxicated with our love.

We had been tested, tried, challenged, and nearly collapsed under the neverending crash of each obstacle; as if we were caught in an ocean’s riptide with sets of waves that were too strong for us to withstand- for every powerful swell that curled over our heads, engulfing us with its overwhelming power- each wave pushing us down forcefully. Nearly suffocating upon each submerging did not stop our willpower to fight for air. We could swim to the surface as long as we had each other by our sides. One wave after the next; this was our lives with the obstacles we faced upon my arrival to your home.

Somehow a deeply intrinsic reassurance soothed any of our doubts. Our love grew stronger, more exquisite and fierce as we worked through each obstacle life threw at us.

The flexibility of time- how five months could have also felt like five years. How knowing you for less than a lifetime seemed like a miscalculation, somehow.

But this time was different. Every touch and moment felt enhanced, intense, connected, heightened, purely explosive. Time. We knew we had so little. Thank God it allowed us to feel what we knew existed. What we hoped had not been tarnished or disconnected from the tsunami and its wreckage. The love was stronger than ever.

I will never forget feeling as though we were in a trance just embracing for a rest. A weekend of the most authentic boundless extraordinary affection. I missed your wit and humor. I longed to hear your voice whisper good morning.

Floating, tingling, blissfully bursting with interwoven, intangible electrical currents; unlike ones well-known to man with science. These sensations felt nearly inconceivable, and even more impossible to describe.

And then the flexibility of time warped into something devestating. As if a rubberband snapping back to it’s original, rigid form- hours rushed into minutes. Then it became seconds before I knew I would feel condemned again; astray in anguish. Stranded and forsaken to return to my desolate, solitary fate. As your scent and touch became an evanescent mist, hope followed suit. So quickly feeling devoid of the harmonious soulful connection we shared only moments prior.

Time continued with its rigidity as i faced the facts of our surroundings and present situation.

Now the warmth of your touch feels as if the ephemeral encounter had merely been a mirage.

I tell myself, however fleeting the moments are- they are equally as precious and never guaranteed.

The gratitute becomes an echo in the deep, dark tunnel I am sucked back into. I remind myself I have no control over the repercussions of my actions at this point. I allow the darkness to pull me back in, engulfing all light that remained around me.

I am too frail at this point- my hope perforated too many times, my optimism becoming the most painfully ruinous source. Bereft and forlorn of any hope. I sink further into a vacuousness doom my gut is warning me of. Like loud sirens breaking a peaceful moment; it no longer can be ignored. Too weak to rationalize why my stomach is sinking the furthest it has in my life- deflated and reduced to a vanishing, lifeless, slow deterioration of what I once was. The light behind my eyes flickers until it diminishes completely.

Fair to say I have never experienced so much love and connection in an all-encompassing way that I did with Rick.

Also makes sense that the pain coinciding with the fracture of our connection pars to none. I thought pain would dissipate, or at least come back in waves. It is nothing of the sort. I am shattered within, deteriorating and hollowed out. Pierced consistently with a pain that incapacitates me. Heart ruptured; soul depleted.

We did not squander the time we had together, nor the time we had to allow ourselves to think whilst apart.

What happens next no one knows. Many assume, most have such an inchoate concept of what is going on that it’s too exhausting to placate them- their rudimentary and generalized “understanding” matches their level of “support”; Shallow and completely off-base.

The hardest part isn’t trying to explain what can’t be put into words. The hardest part is trying to function as expected when the entire beauty and purpose of life and this earth implode inside you- and you have to hide it to protect the fragility of others around you. They’ve never seen you like this, you’ve never felt like this. If it scares even you- imagine what it would do to the people who expect your strength, tolerance, reliability and accountability every single day.