Heavy Rotation: “Experience” by Ludovici Einaudi, Daniel Hope, I Virtuosi Italiani

Somewhere in the middle of chaos there was a sparkle of light.

A brief twinkle. It was just enough to catch in peripheral vision. Just enough brightness to cause pause.

Darkness consumed again. Until it felt like suffering was just purpose- settling for living in constant uncertainty and fear. Just accepting it. Then another flicker of light. Almost exactly when it all felt like it was time to let total negativity roll over and defeat hope. Another glimpse of light.

I don’t know what came first. A second wind, hope, or the chance at doing it differently. Trying to think of what catalyzed more faith…. I suppose it doesn’t matter chronologically. Some things simply can not be explained. Following intuition for the first time in my life, consciously, I realized I was paralyzed in fear and consumed with self-doubt. No one did this to me, it’s simply what I became over time. Second-guessing myself and hesitating to the point of not moving forward. Frozen.

I want to know what tipped me over. I am focusing on a more important question right now, “Where am I?”

I am in the storm but the eye of it has passed. I sense the calmness and peace breaking through. Rays of sun beam through the clouds, hit the flurries and make the snow flakes sparkle. Like glitter falling from the sky.

Winds are gusting less. We survived a catastrophic event. We did it together. There were moments we didn’t think we would make it; we weren’t strong enough. After all, everything we could account for was going against us. Everyone bet we would fail. On a colossal level. And we nearly caved into this surrounding doubt. But there is something greater than ourselves out there. An intangible force…

If you empty your mind and allow yourself to be still for a moment, you can sense it. It’s terrifying yet reassuring there are things greater than us- more powerful. No, we don’t fully have control of our surroundings. But if you love what you have, focus on the goodness around you, you take back the ability to enjoy now.

What I mean is, I was consumed with trying to control things so much that I was living in fight or flight. I was fearful I would be side-blinded again. Wind knocked out of me. But trying to brace for the next potential loss prevented my ability to fully love what I had already.

I let go and accepted I can not control EVERYTHING or prepare for EVERY piece of bad news; that whole saying “it’s ok to not be ok”. Let yourself cry, you can mourn loss, feel regrets. It sucks but the only way out of it is through it. I couldn’t keep running away from pain; it was causing more pain. After all, this method of preparing myself for the worst wasn’t helping me anymore. I was self-destructive.

I finallly allowed myself this pardon. Guilt is like quicksand. Getting too far into it can be really dangerous. Shame is not a good thing to carry around. I was so hard on myself for so long. I had to just take a break from beating myself up. It wasn’t causing any more good, it was reinforcing the feelings that I wasn’t good enough. I didn’t deserve to be happy. I deserved to suffer… Enough already! I finally pardoned myself of some stupid shit that happened years ago. Told myself- ok well even if it was your fault- you aren’t gaining anything carrying around this guilt/shame/fear. It is now at the point where it’s inhibiting progress and a life of potential happiness. Get over it already.

And that was surprisingly the moment of clarity I guess I needed. Apparently I answered my own questions that I spent years researching about trauma. If you don’t process it, if you don’t take a good look deep within yourself and ask what are you really made of, you continue to run from it over the years. But it doesn’t matter how many years go by. Even decades. It will be RIGHT behind you. The second you let your guard down, it will take over. “Fear takes the wheel and steers”. And in my case, as it took over the wheel to steer, it drove my life into metaphorical car crash, off a cliff.

All the years of avoidance from really processing trauma, I let it become stronger-Without processing it, I held onto it as I tried to run from it. So then this avoidance eventually, inevitably bites you in the ass. I can’t believe it took such a big event to knock sense into me. I almost lost everything I ever loved. Worst part is, in that moment I really had reasons to hate myself. Valid ones. That was the moment I could really get stuck self-loathing in that quicksand.

However! A greater power than my own nudged me enough to get through this darkness. Out of the tunnel that never seemed to end. Took some ugly self-reflection and hard work but I was not going to waste this opportunity. It truly was a miracle.

So I promised myself I wouldn’t squander this chance to start fresh. Enjoy what I have. Step out of the cloud of fear; don’t let opportunities get missed because of this. The infamous words of my 7th grade math teacher echoed in my head, “Today is the first day of the rest of your life. “Renew my old attitude/mantra of “Carpe Diem.” Life is truly a gift. This year, I am most grateful to be able to share my life, in all of its precious moments, with someone I truly love. Unconditional love. Deeply profound, irrevocable love. It’s almost inconceivable how much we love one another. I was blessed with another chance at life. I’m going to continue to do the right thing, but also, this time, enjoy every moment. Even the tough ones. There is a newfound sense of inner peace from this epiphany.

Now I understand the phrase, “it’s always darkest before the dawn.”

That sun rising is a reminder it’s a new day; go seize it.