Cui bono?
I am sitting here wondering how I am going to summarize the past twenty years of efforts, behaviors, beliefs, attitudes and “evolution” I have had as part of maturing.
Currently, I am in a position where I need to make the summary of the past two decades help give as clear a lens as possible, as unbias as I can, to show this professional where I came from. This is to better show an explanation of extremely abhorrent behavior (in an isolated event/instance) and how even I should have known I was on my way to a meltdown.
Everyone has a breaking point. I’ve heard it before, but never believed it to be true. It’s all a matter of how you handle, juggle, prioritize the every day stresses of life. A support system helps a great deal when things are over your head or somehow blocked from progress because of your lack of resources.
I had a yellow flag thrown on the field the month before. Some real ugly emotions just bubbled up like a volcano clearing it’s throat with ashes before the pressure becomes too much and lava starts spewing out of a fissure (weakest point in the mountain cracks under pressure and opens).
The volcano was also fueled by external environmental factors naked to the human eye. There were earthquakes going off continually leading up to the [inevitable] explosion. Then a landslide happened on the other side of the globe, causing water to displace in the ocean with momentum. This ocean wave increased with momentum and power as well as height as the ocean floor shallowed. It classified as a tsunami by the time it hit something that could slow it down. The tsunami crashed into the volcanic mountain’s floorbed, leading to the final collision of forceful power and instability, finally provoking a massive eruption of the volcano.
Emotions are like water in this case. The mountain is the structure holding the hot molten magma until pressures become too strong; it can no longer keep it under wraps. Explosion is anger, frustration, sadness, grief, guilt, shame. Landslide is when something collapses in another place from the world; another person in the world indirectly affecting your circumstances but not immediately. And it isn’t visible or expected. It takes time for the effects to get to you. At, in my case, an inconvenient time.
As a side note, November 28th Mauna Kea started volcanic activity for the first time since 1984. A volcano in Chile (West coast of South America) also began to erupt- tsunami warning currently in effect as of yesterday (11/29/22). One of Russia’s six active vocanoes near Alaska started erupting on November 20th. And the last time there was an eruption (which may, I don’t know, melt some ice and cause a land slide) on Alaska in the 1950s it caused a massive tsunami as well.
In the past two weeks massive amounts of earthquakes of significant magnitude (4.0 or higher) have been going off all along the ring of fire. They don’t seem to be near each other but all volcanoes listed are located along the ring of fire (where “pangea” broke off and gave us what we now consider separate continents). Except Hawaii. All the Hawaiian islands are the little sister islands of Mauna Kea (Long Mountain) or “the Big island”.
It’s an analogy but also actual science going on right now.
If we hold in or suppress all our emotions, one way or another they will surface. Maybe in small ways, maybe not at all until one day there’s an explosion. That moment when “everybody has a limit” becomes you too. You reach yours and find how unpleasant it can be, especially thinking after 2 decades if it would have happened it would have been a long time ago.
All the self-help books, Bachelor degrees, Counseling certificates, sessions with professionals, journaling in the world won’t fix it if you’ve buried it deeply enough. Strangely, what bothered me and I thought was a real trauma- I kept as a secret for over 5 years. Not a soul could know. I’m not a victim. I refused to let him take my dignity away from me too. But then after accepting the definition of what happened had been rape, (not just statutory) I had to fast forward to survivor because it was already five years passed that I blamed myself for not stopping it. For not handling the situation correctly. For putting myself in the position in the first place.
I had to have SOME control over the memories. But accepting whether I did or didn’t and it’s time to move forward, I never actually forgave myself. I hated myself and carry that to this day.
The good news is, after this volcanic eruption I was forced to experience severe repercussions, so extreme they because traumatizing in it of themselves. Helpless, physically restrained despite my demand not to be touched, and treated less than human. Screaming in pain as my wrists and wiggling away as best I could, the restraints were tightened the more I resisted- something I consider a normal reaction to fighting someone off of you. I have carpal tunnel, tendinitis, and de quervain’s syndrome in both hands. Was I clear headed to state I get cortisone shots in my wrists for their pain and swelling and arthritis? Absolutely not. I reacted instinctively, like a cornered animal, and therefore as a self-fulfilling prophecy was treated like one.
Had I been in a rational state of mind, like the prior twenty years, i would have been compliant, quiet, cordial even. I would have been submissive and withdrawn. Detached from reality (disocciated) and spacey. Processing feelings would come after.
But this was not a time I was in a state of mind to comply, or even comprehend what was going on. I was in an extreme “fight or flight” mode- the kind I trained myself not to “freeze” in again for the past 2 decades. Inebriated, (pre-frontal cortex override- no logic, reasoning or social cue processing) and coming down from the biggest stressful meltdown I’ve ever had, triggered by a break up over a giant miscommunication and misunderstanding.
We pieced it all together, filling in holes from each side of our story and time lapses we spent apart. Severe Financial instability that could soon affect current “shelter”, relocation to a state I have never been in 5 months prior (needing to obtain a new state license, change of address, health insurance, car) and starting a new job. Becoming a step-mom (never had kids before). Dealing with a family member recently diagnosed with a specific cancer I just helped someone recover from (lived with them during their recovery for 2 years). It all seemed like it could be handled. Add the stress of the daily duties, lack of time management and lack of self-care (who has time to pamper themselves when there isn’t even enough time in the day to get laundry, dishes, dinner and cleaning done?!).
Maybe we took on too much too soon. I mean, yes we definitely did. There’s more on that list of stress but everyone juggles stuff. Maybe just not stepping into all of it with a new relationship and learning each other better at the same time. I don’t advise it. We became stronger but no one really knows how much we went through together and how much we had to work towards getting here. Assumptions are easier for people to make so they can keep their judments to fit in their neat little box of “understanding” it all.
Funny how no one asks us what actually happened. No one asks us how we are doing as a couple, handling all these different issues we are juggling simultaneously. The people who say they are “here for us” are the same ones that stop listening when you start explaining actual self-reflection, the hard work it takes to keep communication strong. Instead of being “here”, their eyes glaze over with a hundred-yard stare. Or they repeat themselves with unhelpful statements about how they perceive the situation. They don’t need more facts. Or evidence. They already know because they’re clairvoyant.
How is that being “here for us”? Quite the opposite actually. We are trimming out the toxicity of those who refuse to hear each of our sides of the story because that’s how you find out the real facts and the depth of self-reflection and beauty of helping someone you love get through something you never expected to deal with in your entire life. If you can’t at least listen to the story before making your unsolicited opinion known, then it’s not worth the energy in the precious time we have trying to convince you otherwise.