The first thing I must say is, I love you. The second thing I must say is, I forgive you. Please forgive me.
I cannot understand what exactly happened that night. I can recall the events that happened that night, and I know the immediate outcome was of that night, but it was not something I would have ever thought possible. I don’t know what I could have done differently that would have changed the outcome. I did not understand how much these substances have taken over your mind and body. You were not the same person I’ve known intimately for the last five months, nor is it the same person I talked to for the past couple of years. I am hoping you are going to get the help you need.
Again, I forgive you, and I ask that you forgive me. Some might see forgiveness as a weakness. Some people choose not to forgive even the slightest insult, but I am not that way. I’m not the biggest fan of organized religion, but I do hold value in the teachings of the saints of The Church. St. Kosmas Aitolos (Cosmas of Aetolia) says, “If a man insults me, kills my father, my mother, my brother, and then gouges out my eye, as a Christian it is my duty to forgive him. We who are pious Christians ought to love our enemies and forgive them. We ought to offer them food and drink, and entreat God for their souls. And then we should say: ‘My God, I beseech Thee to forgive me, as I have forgiven my enemies.’”
We all make mistakes, and we all sin. I cannot burden myself with grudges. I cannot hold things over your head that were done in an altered state, whether your altered state meant do take those actions or it was purely an accident. Please do not burden yourself with guilt. Please do not beat yourself up over the events of that night. Do not think you have destroyed something too perfect. Instead, take the sadness and channel it into getting better, into beating the demons that haunt your thoughts, the demons others have helped open you up to. We all have our vices and our demons. “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.” (John 8:7)
I have cried many tears over these last few days. I have seen your father cry. I have seen your mother cry. I have shed tears with them. These tears are not just tears of sadness, but they are also tears of love. We love you, and we want the best for you. Not all is lost. You have an amazing life ahead of you; all you have to do is accept it and strive for it. Another saintly quote, this time from St. John of Kronstadt: ‘If you fall, rise and you shall be saved.’ You are a sinner, you continually fall, learn also how to rise; be careful to acquire this wisdom.”
If we do not remember the past, we are doomed to repeat it. I hope these words do not ring hollow. I hope you are not too closed off to listen. I hope your heart is open enough to accept my love and my forgiveness. Please, cut the bad shit from your life and embrace the good. Understand that those of us who love you want nothing in return except for your health and safety. While this letter might seem a little “preachy” from the religious quotes, it is not meant to be. I strive to be a better person. You deserve to be treated with respect and love. I cannot be a better person if I close myself off to love and forgiveness. If my last memory of you is of that night, I will be heartbroken. That being said, I would rather sacrifice my happiness if it meant you finding yours. You have sacrificed so much for me, probably too much. You deserve happiness. You deserve love. You deserve peace. I am saddened that I could not provide those things good enough for you. In that I have failed. Please, forgive me.
I love you, and I always will. You will always hold a special place in my heart, whether we never cross paths again or our paths are forever together. Do not despair. You are a good person. You are never alone even when those demons try to convince you otherwise. Your family misses you; I miss you.