The one act I hate that people do is lie. I mean, there are little white lies designed to not hurt someone’s feelings. “Do I look fat in this?” The answer is ALWAYS “No” even if that isn’t the truth. I’m not talking about those types of lies. I’m talking about lies that aren’t necessary. I’m talking about lies to cover up deception. It doesn’t matter if someone is a good liar or a bad liar, they are still a liar, and it is damaging to every relationship.
My current marriage is based on a lie, a lot of them in fact. How do I know? I’ve caught her many times. She is also a horrible liar. For someone that lies a lot, she should be better at it. Why did I stick around for so long? I have no clue. No clue at all. Some lies I didn’t find out were lies until recently. Some I didn’t find out about until after we were married.
For example, I came home one day shortly after we were married, and she was talking on the phone. She talked on the phone for an hour. I asked who she was talking to. She said her aunt. No. I reminded her that her aunt doesn’t have a male’s voice. I also later found out that she was sending selfies and shit (as well as these calls) to her ex-boyfriend… the guy before me. Was I hurt? Fuck yes, I was! Was I angry? Fuck, yes I was! I confronted her on many occasions. I should have just kicked her out back then, but she gave a convincing sob story of a failed pregnancy that she wanted an apology from him for. I bought it back then, but I wasn’t totally convinced. I now know it was complete and utter horse shit.
How do you spot liars? Individual lies can be difficult to spot. It’s easy to lie once and get away with it. Stringing those lies together, or having to maintain those lies is where it becomes difficult. I am very good at remembering certain details. If you tell me a story one way, and then repeat the story somewhere down the road, it better be consistent. I don’t care if it is a week later or three years later. I’ll remember, and the inconsistency will show itself. Bad liars are not situationally aware of their surroundings. Telling me it is your aunt you’re talking to when you’re deaf enough that I can hear the actual words of the other person from five feet away? Come on! That one is too easy.
Sometimes, outlandish stories are total fabrications. I say “sometimes” because I have some outlandish stories that are true. Getting divorced (the first time), having my job sent to India, and being sued for $250,000 in the same year? Yes, that happened to me. Having a grandmother ask me to choke her during sex? Again, true. I do add the detail a little later that the grandma was 40 years old, and not 60, but it is a true story, nonetheless. Having a crazy, drugged up chick tell me to put a baby in her on the first date, and later sleeping with a gun in my hand because she refused to leave? Again, true.
Another way to spot a liar is to be smarter than them. This one is tricky because if the liars are very intelligent, it becomes very difficult to spot certain lies. My favorite to spot are the ones that actually contradict the laws of physics or chemistry. Law enforcement will recognize this one: “How many beers did you have?”
“Uh, three.”
“Really? Why did the breathalyzer just read 0.15 then?”
“I don’t know, but I only had three beers.”
“Bullshit! A woman that weighs around what you do would have to chug 5 beers to get that BAC.”
“Maybe I’m different?”
These types of lies are entertaining, yet pathetic. If a person lies about something to trivial, what else are they lying about?
The last skill to spot a lie takes time to hone in. Excuses. Addicts lie a lot. When they do, and they are called out on it or questioned about it, there is excuse after excuse. Some of the excuses might make sense, but they rarely own up to the lie.
It’s much easier to lie when people aren’t face to face. If all of the conversation is in text from, it becomes easier to get away with lies, but there is a catch. Quick replies matter. If a clarification is asked, and the response time is longer than normal, it might just be a lie. Again, consistency matters. The longer you communicate with someone, the easier it becomes to spot the lies.
I will end with this. I’ve known someone for a little over four years, and the lying has been consistent. It’s my own dumbass fault for giving people the benefit of the doubt too many times, thinking that maybe I don’t know the whole story that ties everything together. I also find out things were lies years later from her family members. She has a lot to lose by lying. On the other side of the spectrum, I’ve known someone for four months, and although we’ve never met face to face, the stories and conversations are consistent every time. In the beginning of this conversation, there wasn’t really anything to lose. Lying could have been easy. We have talked for many hours and messaged countless hours in the past four months. Every single detail has not changed. When I have spotted an inconsistency and questioned it, there was never an excuse or anger, like with someone who is lying and gets caught. In one instance, I had mixed up two people from two different stories. Another time I was drunk and read something totally wrong.
The point of all of this is a relationship (no matter what type) is only as strong as everything it’s built on. A strong foundation in sand doesn’t mean shit. A weak foundation on granite is as worthless as the one on sand. If a relationship is built on lies, it will never be strong, and it will always fail (eventually). If a relationship is built on trust, honesty, and mutual respect, it will not fail. It can only get stronger as the relationship grows. Purge the shitty relationships and nurture the good ones. If you find a great relationship, protect it at all costs.