Music means different things to different people. Some of us have songs that cut deep into our souls, leaving a scar that can be good or bad. Today, I was/am angry. Why? Because everyone expects everything from me. When I try to get some peace so I can exhale, I’m trampled with distractions. People do not ask me if it is what I want. They do do it. They just expect me to bend my knee to their wills.

I usually listen to podcasts, but today, I wanted to thrash. Five Finger Death Punch, it is: to be more accurate, the album Got Your Six (Deluxe). Today, it wasn’t just a song that hit home, it was the entire album. Obviously, the writer/artists idea on what the song means might be different than the meaning I’ve assigned to it. I’ll go over a few songs/lyrics and then tell my side.

From the song: “Got Your Six“

Won’t go down | Never gonna quit | Don’t turn back | ‘Cause I got your six

and…

I will never accept defeat | And I will never quit

These two phrases is basically my motto with my family. I’m never going to quit trying to be the best father, son, and boyfriend/husband (whatever it is) that I can be. I will die for my family. I will kill a motherfucker if they try to harm my family. My family should never have to question my loyalty. I will never quit on them, and I will always have their backs.

Front the song: “Jekyll and Hide“

There’s just so much goddamn weight on my shoulders
All I’m trying to do is live my motherfucking life
Supposed to be happy, but I’m only getting colder
Wear a smile on my face, but there’s a demon inside

I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. I’m the one that people rely on. It’s not easy to provide for your family all the time. All I am trying to do is live my motherfucking life, but I have people who are unnecessarily causing me grief. Some people cause me grief because they’re fucking stupid or lazy. I don’t mean customers, but people who are supposed to be helping me but don’t care to put forth any effort. On the other hand, I have some people who are causing me grief because they are out to hurt me. They are petty, and it seems like their only job is to make my life more difficult because they don’t like a decision that I made. Some days, it’s hard to wear the smile. Some days, I have to bottle up the anger and rage I feel towards these people. I’m typically a fairly happy person and can get along with just about anyone. As the weight grows on my shoulders, it gets harder and harder to be happy.

From the song: “My Nemesis”

I (I) gave you everything
And in return, you gave me nothing
Show me a sign (Sign)
Please give me anything
I will not hide from what’s inside of me
My nemesis

This resonates from my past. People who I’ve loved that didn’t show any signs that they cared about me anymore. Sure, they once did, but as just a little time passed, I was only their to provide them with their food for their narcissism. I spent months, even years, begging for a sign. For example: I would spend a lot of time and effort thinking of the best birthday gift I could think of. It had to have meaning behind it. They couldn’t care less about it. Then, when my birthday came around, they forgot it. Yeah…

From the song: “Digging My Own Grave”

I’ve been walking over graves
Carving out the headstone
That I own
My own

I’m like a monster in a cage
Trapped inside a maze
I am home
I’m home

In life, we make choices: some good, some bad. That’s true for all of us. This is where I get stuck in my own head. I’ve made some dumb decisions in my life. There isn’t a single person who can’t say the same. Then, there is the decision to not make a decision, to be manipulated by people. I feel ashamed and guilty sometimes. It’s a normal reaction. It’s why fraud is so under reported. It’s difficult to get out of the maze that’s my mind.

From the song: “Boots and Blood”

Think of one word to change the world
And now put it into action
Fuck!

Fuck all the mind games
Fuck all the lies
Fuck what you think
Yeah, fuck all of you guys
Fuck what you heard
And fuck what you’ve said
Fuck all your words
You’re all fucked in your heads

I won’t waste words on you
Fuck it
Fuck it
Fuck it all
I will reign down on you with Boots and blood to give it all

Oh, this one is perfect for some non-violent rage driving. I’ve been too kind to manipulators and assholes. I try to be the better person and not pay them the attention they seek. Sometimes though…. sometimes, I just say “Fuck it all.” I reign it in before I “reign down with boots and blood,” but oh, the mental imagery makes me smile. I could never actually do that. I would feel to guilty, even if the person deserved it.

From the song: “This is My War”

Tongue-tied
Dead inside
Nothing left, not even pride
This isn’t how I thought the future would go
Hell-bent
Soul is spent
Nothing left but to repent
I’ve gotta dig myself back out of this hole

At my lowest lows, I’ve felt these very words. It hurts, and it is difficult to get out from here. It’s usually after I’ve been beaten down so much that I don’t know what else to do. I’m so far down that I can’t imagine anything else. I’ve never contemplated suicide before, but I can see how people could.

From the song: “I Apologize“

One day, the shadows will surround me
Someday, the days will come to end
Some time, I’ll have to face the real me
Somehow, I’ll have to learn to bend

One day, I’ll face the hell inside me
Someday, I’ll accept what I have done
Some time, I’ll leave the past behind me
For now, I accept who I’ve become

All these times, I simply stepped aside
I watched but never really listened
As the whole world passed me by
All this time, I watched from the outside
Never understood what was wrong or what was right
I apologize
I apologize

This is accepting my fate and my mistakes. It’s realizing that I’m flawed; that I have my demons, some placed in my by people in my past, some self inflicted. It’s realizing that I’ve wasted parts of my life with the wrong people, wasting parts of my life because of fear, and wasting parts of my life because I had an ill-conceived perception of myself. I apologize to myself and to the people currently in my life because my past is affecting them.

Conclusion:

Not one song sums everything up. Not every song from that album is applicable. The more pressure I feel and the more people push me into a corner, the more I retreat from everyone. Some of these things I can’t fix until I get some peace and quiet, but I can’t get peace and quiet until some of these things are fixed. I’m sure I’ll figure it out. I’m sure I’ll be able to sit down and plow through some of this shit. It’s difficult. I’ve been struggling longer than I would like to admit. I need change, but change is scary. To make it worse, some people aren’t going to like the change. Those people, however, are selfish because they don’t care about my well being, just the impact me setting boundaries will have on them. I was angry. Now, I’m just beat down, barely hanging on to the tiniest of threads keeping me from falling into irreparable despair.