On a Razor’s Edge

It seems like everything is on a razor’s edge these days. World peace, world war, AI taking over, people being stupid enough extinguish life on Earth, civil war, economic collapse, my sanity, etc…

I do not know of anyone else going through as much as my family. Some of it is good, and some of it is pretty damn bad. Each thing on its own would be easy enough to handle, but add everything together, and it isn’t a surprise that my blood pressure is still high and I am drained of energy a lot of the time. I used to cope with all of the stress by drinking and ignoring it when I got home. Now, I haven’t had a drink in two months. Over ten years of drinking my problems into the future left my coping skills unpracticed and atrophied. It is not easy to cope with everything when I haven’t practice those skills and I’m like a toddler who’s learning to walk trying to walk down a flight of stairs.

One of the reasons why I drank so much was that my brain will not shut down. My anxiety has always been high, but when my brain won’t shut off, it makes it impossible to calm down. I’ve replaced alcohol with sleeping pills so I can fall asleep. Is it better? I don’t know, but it is the only way I can shut down my brain and fall asleep. I’ve always had issues falling asleep. Ever since I was a teenager, I wouldn’t be able to fall asleep until after midnight (if I was lucky) and wake up at 5:30-6:30AM. Even with that, I’d wake up countless times. I’ve had sleep trackers, and I’ve woken up over 30 times a night.

Even when I think I’m at my limit, I somehow push through. I couldn’t have started multiple businesses over the last couple of decades if I didn’t push the limit. Yes, I’ve gone over the limit a few times. Yes, I’ve made a plethora of mistakes. The biggest reason I’ve had success is because I put everyone else above myself, especially my family. I will do anything for my family. I sacrifice more than most would. I don’t do this for glory and gratitude, but because I believe it is the right thing to do. It helps me understand that I’m not the center of the universe, and my family is what keeps me from falling off that razor’s edge of failure. My family deserves more credit than I give them in person. I aim to do better at that. The world might collapse into a dumpster fire of shit, but at least I have my family to keep me sane.


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