Suicidal Ideation (Calm Down!)


First, calm down! No, I am not thinking about ending my own life; however, I have come to a closer understanding of why someone might. I have known people who have ended their own lives. Before, I could not even comprehend why someone would do such a selfish thing. Then, this hernia happened, and it started to fall into line. Listen, being put under for a surgery scares the shit out of me. The possibility of not waking up again does not sit well with me, BUT I cannot wait for this surgery to happen. This fucking thing is annoying! It’s super annoying! The brace I bought of Amazon helps, but even that is annoying. Sitting for long periods of time becomes painful. If I had no end in sight for this thing, I could see why people with chronic illnesses succumb to suicidal ideations.

I’ve lived with chronic pain in my knees, neck, and back most of my life. Pain is no stranger to me, so I have a difficult time believing that pain alone is the issue. Drug companies are no saints. They pad their clinical trials for the best possible success and profit. I’m not against a company making profits, if it’s done morally…. or mostly morally. There are many drugs out there that have suicidal ideations as a side effect. I have known people who were perfectly logical, but once they started to take a drug, “BOOM!” (sometimes literally), they kill themselves.

As Christians, we are taught that suicide is the “unforgiveable sin” who lands us a ticket straight to Hell. How does this pan out when someone is mentally ill, under the influence of a mind-altering medication that doctors prescribed, or brutally manipulated by someone they trust? Life is not so cut and dry. It’s not black and/or white. As this hernia has taught me, life has so many nuances that are easy to overlook, but difficult to ignore the impacts. This, again, is about perspective. I can now see a perspective that I could not understand before. I fucking hate this hernia, but I can appreciate the lessons it has taught me.


One response to “Suicidal Ideation (Calm Down!)”

  1. It’s amazing how humbling it can be when an unexpected medical emergency complicates life- it also shows another layer of depth/level/dimension. Things can go wrong, become complicated, not have definitive answers, and we are told by the best of these professionals, that’s the bottom line. They don’t have more to say because they would open themselves up for a lawsuit giving personal educated guesses or insight.

    It’s amazing how we take our health for granted until there is a problem. It’s never conveninently timed, and it forces us to re-prioritize and multi-task with this world/dimension/place that we never thought twice about before.

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