The Next Step

It is hard to think about the next step when you’re in the middle of chaos. It doesn’t help when my mind is cloudy due to being tired. I think I’ve been sleeping okay. I mean, I don’t wake up 30 times a night like I used to, but that is due to sleeping meds. My dreams are vivid, like usual, and I wake up less, but I have been feeling so exhausted when I wake up. My stress level has been insane for the last couple of weeks, so that could be the reason. My stress levels should be dropping in the next couple of months, but can I wait that long?

I don’t know if I can wait a couple of months for my stress level to lower. My stress level has always been high, even as a teenager. I still have to finish selling the house and moving though. That’s always stressful. The house is under contract. The home inspection showed some things, but they are being remedied. The agreement has been signed. I just have to make to closing. That’ll get me out from the foreclosure from the divorce. Then, it’ll be moving time. I’m not looking forward to it.

I had to pull my youngest son from school, and we started the “home schooling” phase. My son has some physical disabilities, and he is on the autism spectrum. I don’t know what was going on with school, but he was flipping out at school. It started the second half if his junior year of high school. It mostly had to do with his English class. I thought this year would be better since he has a new paraprofessional. His behavior was fine for the first couple of months, but when his English teacher got back from leave, his behavior deteriorated. It has been getting progressively worse since then. After many emails and meetings, I finally had to pull him from school to prevent him from shutting down and hurting himself. I hated seeing him like that. In the last couple of weeks, he has gotten better at not shutting down. I wish he could have made it the last two months of school, but at least the school is willing to work with us to get him graduated. I’m sure his mother will try to use that against me in my guardianship (for my son) hearing.

There are some other things that we’re in the middle of dealing with. It’s hard to think too much about the future when there are so many things in the present that are taking up our attention. I wish I could concentrate more. There are so many things I want to do, but I lack the time to do them. When I do get the time, I lack the ability to concentrate enough to complete them. There are a couple of apps I want to write, I want to make an elevator simulator out of an arduino, I want to move the office upstairs to get away from the radon in the basement (until it is remedied), I want to move a bunch of stuff to the storage unit, change the oil in the truck and mower (yes, I know I switched the sentence structure on this list, but I don’t care right now), build my Lora messaging network, start creating videos for YouTube, figure out how the old washing machine’s panel works, mess with my Flipper Zero, work out more, eat better, etc, etc, etc. Yeah, there’s a lot of shit I want to do.

I know I’ll eventually be able to get there. I didn’t put a bunch of stuff that I want/need to do with work, but I’ll get there. Hopefully, I’ll get my employees onboarded soon, and that should take some off my plate. I’d like to build the business instead of just treading water. If I were a single guy with no kids, I’d be able to work those 12 hour days and get it done. Right now, my family is the most important thing. I have to make sure my son is thriving, especially since I’m trying to get guardianship over him. I hate the way that sounds, but that is the proper grammar. He is not capable of living on his own, and his mother wants to put him in a group home. That’s no place for him to thrive.

My girlfriend and I are dealing with the stress as best we can. As we get more and more stressors behind us, we’re realizing how much we had on our plate and how well we have handled things. We’re not out of the preverbal woods yet, but it is making the future less and less stressful. We are doing what we can to make our family stronger and stronger.

I know this has been a long string of a cluster fuck of a post, but like I said, my mind is a little cloudy, and I’m tired. Deal with it. You didn’t have to read it all. Alright, time to end it. Fuck it.


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