The Waiting Game

They say patience is a virtue. Patience must be practiced. Well, I fucking hate being patient. Does it still count as being patient when my anxiety is through the roof? I guess if I don’t act on it, then yes? When we ask God for patience, most of us do not realize what we’re asking for. Patience is not something that can be magically given. God will give us patience by making us practice it. Forgive my lack of articulation this morning. My mind is insanely preoccupied. A priest once told me not to ask for patience because our patience will be tested in order to practice it. We must instead ask for endurance. God, please give me endurance for this trial that I am woefully impatient for.

This leads into something even more important, in my humble opinion. Nothing good comes easy. Since when did God make it easy for anyone in the Bible, Old Testament or New Testament? Even throughout the history of the Church, nothing is easy. There are four major fasts in the year: The Apostles fast, The Dormition fast, Advent fast, and Great Lent. What are you giving up for Lent? I hated that question growing up. It’s like you’re supposed to pick one thing and then not partake in that. In the early church, and still practiced by many Orthodox Christians today, it was no meat, dairy, wine, or oil. There are certain days where fish and oil are allowed. And this was during a time when there wasn’t a fucking Whole Foods with vegan options. So no, it wasn’t easy. Granted, health concerns trump the fasting “requirements.”

So why go through all of this trouble? I mean according to the church, fasting isn’t technically required to gain entry into Heaven. Why do it then? It’s that practice. How are we supposed to resist the really tempting evil shit when we can’t even resist eating meat for a day? I understand it, but it doesn’t mean I have to like it. When it comes to people I love, it makes it even more difficult. Being a very empathetic person, I can feel what it is like (to a degree) to go through the situation. Even if it has my bias attached, I know this situation sucks, and my heart aches from it. I have to keep telling myself the final destination is going to be so worth it. No, I’m not talking about Heaven here people. I mean, it will feel like heaven to me.

I hate waiting games. Sitting in a waiting room, wondering how the surgery is going is gut wrenching. Waiting to see if a person loves you as much as you love them can bring anyone to their knees. I’ve been through those. I must say this situation is rather unique for me. If I told any sane person what I am prepared to do, they might try to have me committed. This isn’t some willy-nilly bullshit scheme though. It has been well thought out. I have gone over many different scenarios and possibilities. I don’t have all the answers, but I have enough to alleviate any doubts that I might have had. As much as waiting to hear whether this operation kicks off today is testing my patience and anxiety, it’s just practice for the 644 mile drive. Once I start that drive, it will be insanely difficult to remain patient and keep the needle below 100mph.

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