Tonight, My Soul is Broken


Tonight, I watched my love fall apart, and in a violent type of way. It wasn’t violence towards me, but self destructive to herself. We have had arguments in the past, but we always were able to talk through them. Tonight was radically different. I was sober and calm. She seemed unhinged. I know she has a lot of stress with family and injuries. I have similar stresses, but this went from calm to ”what the fuck just happened?”

When she grabbed her pain meds, started running the bath, punched the wall with her injured hand, and slammed the door, that’s when it got real. She said our relationship was over only an hour before, but she fell asleep. I thought it might blow over, but I felt like it was the truth. She always said she’d push me away and sabotage the relationship. She was right.

This was something I’ve never experienced. Was she going to take a bunch of pain meds and OD in the bathtub? She had just taken a shower shortly before, so why another one? She was slamming doors and making loud noises. If it was just us, I’d go sleep on the couch, but my boys were home. They kept asking me what was going on. I hated to call the Sheriff, but I felt I had no choice. She barricaded herself in the bedroom.

The deputies asked me if I felt safe if she stayed in the house. Me? I would have slept with a gun under my pillow, but I didn’t feel like I was in danger; however, I was not willing to take that chance with my boys. They don’t deserve that. They don’t deserve to sleep in fear. I’m heartbroken. My soul is crushed. I might be broken beyond repair now. We looked at each other as she left the house, escorted by the deputies. I hope she understands the regret in my eyes. It’s not the regret of trying, but the regret of missing on the amazing life we could have had. She was teaching me how to have fun again, how to enjoy life. I might have lost that for good. My chest literally hurts. I’ve cried myself to dehydration.

We met on a game that we both enjoyed playing. We led our alliance together. My life as been upended, and I don’t know what I could have done differently. I love her, and I wish her the best. I can’t say I didn’t try. My soul is empty and broken. I’m lost. Maybe the morning will bring clarity…. maybe I can sleep. Maybe I just hurt too much.

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