When Do You Know?

That is a very interesting question. When do you know? Any sane person would ask, “When do you know what?” I mean, it does require some clarification if you want to be accurate with your language. Whenever I mention accurate language, I think of the movie “The Giver.” It’s a very dystopian movie with a lot of powerful insight into what we are moving to, but that’s not quite my point. If you talk to anyone that’s in love below the age of 25, they always ask the question, “When do you know?” They mean, “When do you know it is the one you’re meant to be with?” The typical answer is, “You just do,” which is complete and utter horse shit.

Now don’t get me wrong, it’s awesome to hope and dream of staying with someone forever, but today people (and me included) are way too impatient and make that decision far too quickly. I’ve done that twice already and got married to them. It’s not working out so great for me. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t go for it.

“When do you know?” (WDYK from here on out because it’s annoying to type all that shit out each time) covers a plethora of topics. WDYK it’s the right house? WDYK it’s the right job? WDYK it’s the right time to move? Every single one of these requires a lot of thought, soul searching, and prayer (if you believe in that).

In my current situation, I am applying all of these. I have thought, more than I ever wanted to, about divorcing my current wife. I have searched my soul for ways to sway me either way. I’ve even prayed about it. I will admit that I haven’t used this option as much as I should. I’ve also thought intensely about, searched my soul, and prayed about another matter, almost entirely opposite, yet related, to my divorce situation. Below is what I’ve found so far.

Divorce: It sucks. No one really wins in that situation; however, there is realization that there is something better on the other side. People make mistakes. That’s a fact. Do I deserve to not be happy? Yes. Am I happy? No. Is the other person trying? Yes. Will they fail? History and statistics say, yes. I wish I didn’t have to go through this, but I do. Right now, she’s trading one addiction for another. Alcohol to nicotine. Right now, she’s trying to over compensate for shit. She’s like a chihuahua on coke, Adderall, and PCP playing with people who are stoned out of their minds. I thought I thought fast, but I can’t even keep up with her thought process! I know she’s trying, but like I’ve said before, when I reach my “fuck it” point, there’s no turning back. To get to that point, I have exhausted every available resource that I could muster. It’s like MacGyver after he’s run out of paperclips, chewing gum, and duct tape. He did all he could, but it just wasn’t in the cards.

Driving 644 Miles: Before I get any “this is influencing your decision to divorce” or “you’re only divorcing her because of this” bullshit, no! I’ve been depressed and miserable and contemplating divorce long before this. It’s fucking sad, but I’ve been asking myself if I made a mistake six months after getting married. There are a lot of things that happened to lead up to this point.

I have to start another paragraph so it doesn’t piss me off. Am I willing to drive 644 miles for happiness? The short answer is yes. The long answer is a little more complicated, but it doesn’t reduce the sincerity of my response. I didn’t come to this conclusion lightly, neither conclusion. I have thought about my life in many different scenarios: staying where I am, driving 644 miles, not doing either. In every single run through, driving 644 miles makes me the happiest. I have gone through countless scenarios over dozens of years (in those scenarios). I could easily say “fuck it” to everything, move into the woods, and become a hermit. The thought has literally crossed my mind. Nothing even comes close to driving 644 miles.

Before we get into the mushy shit, I know driving 644 miles isn’t the end game. There’s 644 miles back. Then, there are tens of thousands of miles after that. There will be trials and tribulations. There will be good and bad. There will be struggles and triumph. I’m not trying to predict the future. I’m just trying to find the best possible outcome for me. Do I stay where I am and deal with someone who thinks my religious beliefs are stupid, or do I go where I know I can have a direct conversation with someone who isn’t too far off from me? Do I stay where I am and deal with the constant struggle of addiction and feeling like I’m always at least third place, or do I take a chance and go where I might be considered at least second, if not first?

The one thing in life I believe consistently: I’d rather try and fail than play it safe. I’ve started several businesses. Some have failed while others have succeeded. I have loved and failed, some by my mistakes and some by others. Failure is temporary. Success is permanent. I’d rather fail 100 times for the opportunity to succeed just once. When do I know? I don’t, but that won’t stop me from trying my best.

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