This is an honest question. Everyone my age is broken in some manner. It could be childhood trauma, a nasty relationship, a recent illness, or anything under the sun. We are all damaged. Every single person in this world has some form of trauma or damage. The question becomes when do we quit or when do we fight?
I am a private person, for the most part. Ask me a question, and I’ll answer it, honestly. You might not like the answer, but I’ll answer it. I hide my problems by not involving others in my struggles. The only time I deviate is when I’m in a relationship. For a relationship to work, both parties have to be completely honest and open. It isn’t easy. Sometimes, people hide behind drugs, alcohol, and other distractions. We are all guilty of this to some extent.
I find myself at many crossroads. I have a court date for my divorce. My company is on the verge of exploding into something magnificent. My friends and family are in fluctuation. My girlfriend is struggling with her own issues. Just when I feel things are finally going good, something happens, and I question my will to live. When is broken too broken? Can a question like that every be truly answered?
Feeling like a failure is the most difficult thing for me. I should be able to handle things better, but I feel like the past decade has beat me to a fucking pulp. My girlfriend called me a horrible father because I didn’t open my mail for a long time, missing some important mail from my oldest’s college. She didn’t realize that we got emails stating all of the important events. Mail has been a huge anxiety-laced issue with me over the past 5 years. I still haven’t gotten over that. I went upstairs to see my youngest son, since he heard the yelling between my girlfriend and myself. He hugged me and told me I’m not a horrible father. He told me I’m the best father. That little bastard hears everything! I smiled as tears ran down my face. I love my boys so much. Even as I type this, my eyes tear up.
I realize that not only is my girlfriend broken, so am I. Tonight, she said it’s over. With the past few hours, it’s hard not to see any other option. Do I love her? Yes, unquestionably! Was she intoxicated? Again, yes. Do I want the relationship to be over? Hell , no! That being said, we cannot have any more nights like this. I fear, not for my safety, but for my boys. They do not need to be a witness to domestic disturbances. I’m not sure what tomorrow will bring. Hell, I don’t know what the rest of tonight will bring. Will she remember punching a wall with her swollen hand that she just had x-rayed yesterday? Will she remember telling my oldest son I’m a bad father for not opening my mail? I don’t know. I forgive her for all of that. Time will tell what will happen next.