Up until last week, she had never heard that song. She was/is a fan a Nine Inch Nails, but somehow, she missed the song, “The Perfect Drug.” This morning, I’ve been awake for about 45 minutes, and I’m all fucked up. I had a dream just before waking up that everything was fine: nothing happened. We were playing the game we met on years ago. Everything was perfect. I was happy. Then, I woke up. It’s not prefect.
Then, the song pops into my head. We just listened to it on Thursday (before the incident). It’s a long song, and the middle is a bit chaotic. The end is very melodic with the lyrics, “without you, everything falls apart.” I just lost it. She has been the glue that has kept me together the last nine months. She literally saved my life from 700 miles away after I had hernia surgery. I feel like I’ve failed her. She’s been so busy trying to fix my shit, she neglected hers. It didn’t matter how many times I asked her to concentrate on her own issues, she kept going. All I could do was thank her and try to push her towards her goals.
In a few short minutes, I’m going to have to meet up with her parents. I don’t know how I’m going to do it. I know I’m going to break down. I won’t be able to stop it. We are all responsible for our own actions. That night, there are a bunch of things I’m sure we both would take back. The past is written in stone, and I cannot change it. Her puppy misses her. I can tell. She’s happy enough with me, but she knows something is wrong. She hasn’t seen her momma in nearly three days. She knows I’m sad and broken. I’m looking forward to the distraction of seeing my youngest. I’m sure we’ll ride the elevators at the hotel a dozen times. Then again, it’s going to hurt more. While his autism allows him to focus on every detail about the elevators, he’s going to ask about her. He doesn’t understand, and he misses her. She was supposed to build a draw bridge with him this week.
I know everyone involved will pull through, hopefully for the better, but right now, without her, I’m falling apart.