Absolutely Gutted

I can’t go into much detail right now, but I am absolutely gutted. I can’t eat. Sleep has been rare. The only motivation I have is to right a wrong. It wasn’t even my wrong. It’s a wrong done because people have their little cliques and like to power trip. I failed to get anywhere in the week I thought I could get it done. Right now, if someone game in and wanted to beat me to death, I don’t know if I would stop them. I’m beyond sad. It feels like my soul touched the edge of Heaven and then was thrust straight into the hottest, darkest part of Hell.

Right now, I feel absolutely alone. No one in my circle wants to help. They will criticize all day long, but God forbid they put aside judgement and help. Shit, they don’t even care to hear the real story. Every time I’ve tried, there’s some excuse as to why reality isn’t real. It’s like a sadistic form of gaslighting, except instead of denying something happened, it’s like, ”Well, that might have been what happened, but it is because you’re dumb.”

If I didn’t have a sliver a hope, I’d give up on life. I’d just do bare minimum to not die. In the end, I think we’ll be happy together, but right now, it seems like everyone is enjoying having their power trip while they piss on our backs and telling us its raining. If she had more hope, I wouldn’t feel so badly. I wouldn’t feel like I failed so epically. I know she’s suffering just as much, if not more than me. That kills me. It’s probably killing her that it’s killing me. Two empaths who love each other is a very difficult thing when one is in pain. When both are in pain, it’s cataclysmic.

I love her, and I’m going to continue to fight like hell for her. Outside of my boys, she’s my everything. I will go scorched-Earth on these motherfuckers. One way or another, I’ll get the answers to the questions I’ve been asking for weeks. I was trying to be political and nice. They have one more opportunity to play ball before I rain down hellfire until the landscape smells of brimstone. Before anyone goes crying, I’m not talking about any violence. That’s for weak-minded people.

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